News Archive

  • Prison Sex

    FDA Warns Prisoners: "Toss Your Salad!"

    LINCOLN, NE--- Health officials on Tuesday identified prepackaged salad mix as the source of a severe stomach bug that sickened hundreds of inmates in prisons across Nebraska and Iowa...

  • First Couple of the United States

    POTUS To Take FLOTUS to Club Lotus on Short Notice

    Initial Reports of First Couple Going to Opus Turned Out to Be Bogus. It's More Than Likely Lotus, But Don't Quote Us.

  • rich lady

    Tornado Leaps Affluent Neighborhood

    WACO, TX--- A strange yet slight change in wind direction altered the course of the region's most damaging tornado in recent history yesterday. As the storm ...

  • burial

    Wrong 'N' Word Doesn't Make A Civil Right

    TUSCALOOSA, AL--- In an attempt to follow the example of the 2007 NAACP funeral for the 'N' word and sexist language, the University of Alabama Student Club for Diversity awkwardly buried the wrong 'N' word...

  • Full Lot No Parking

    Three-Quarters of Residents Pissed Over Half-Assed Parking at Nearby Whole Foods

    Citris Salmon Servings Remain at $12.99/each.

  • immigrant rights

    Immigrants Gear Up For Nationwide Marches

    LOS ANGELES, CA--- Salsa and Disco club owner Juan Diaz is urging his employees not to be too hard on the toilets over the next few days due to the uncertainty of when immigrant workers will return to clean them...

  • Rashes on Google Images

    Physician Seeks Second Opinion (AKA Google Images) For Patient's Rash

    Blotchy Crotch Mess Identified By Trusty Laptop and Crisp Internet Connection.

  • David Crosby is not Gallagher

    David Crosby: "I'm Not the God Damn Watermelon Smashing Guy"

    Performer Irate at Rain Poncho-Sporting Fans Requesting Bizarre Food Smashings for Encore.


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